UPPERS

Last weekend, I officially ended all the drama in my life. I said my peace regarding everything that needs a conclusion. Dried my eyes and I'm ready to smile again. Just need to get myself some uppers though.

Lots and lots of uppers.

More than my following comfort activities.

DVD MARATHON
Enchanted, Slumdog Millionaire and practically and Pixar movie on my collection never fails to make me smile. It makes me tear up a little, but they're feel good movies, so it makes me feel good. Even if it's just a little and even if it's just for a short time. I like films that make me laugh, it makes me forget of my problems for the next hour and a half to two hours. A sort of escape from reality. If the pick is a good movie, it's my stress reliever.

MUSIC
I'd drown myself in the songs of Jon Mclaughlin, James Morrison, Matt White, The Script, Lifehouse, Kings of Leon, Jamie Cullum and Snow Patrol. Yeah, some of the singers are known for being a bit emo, but what can I do, these songs lift my spirit a little. It makes me remember other things that make me happy and in turn distract me from my worries. Any good music you guys could recommend me listen to?

FOOD
Ice cream and pizza mostly. Well, ice cream makes me happy. To hell with the calories and whatever eating brings If I'm depressed I'll go ahead and pig out. It might make me feel worse in the end, but at least I'm happy. I guess that's what's important right? Happiness. Drowning out the sorrow. Letting go. My budget til the next salary's keeping me from buying the food I like, so for now, I make do with coco jam and wheat bread.

BLOGGING
Well not really that much now. The blogosphere's just filled with drama this past few weeks that it's affecting my mood. Not much in a positive way. It's good that I'm fairing better than some of the other writers out there, but still you can only deal with too much drama. But normally, If I want to perk myself up I open up other people's blogs if only to find something to nitpick a writer's grammar (kidding big time!!!). No really, it feels awesome to know that good things come to good people. Gives me hope something similar will happen to me.

HANGING OUT WITH FRIENDS
Just having someone to talk to is nice. A shoulder to lean my head on. Someone who'll listen to me rant about my lack of a lovelife. Or someone who'll just compete with me on whose life sucks more. They say you have the greatest friends when the only time they make you cry is when you're laughing so hard. That's what my friends are. It actually doesn't matter that none of them are like me, it just feels great being with them.

Any more uppers you can think of to help me? That's be awesome.

SAYING GOODBYE

The week that went by, in a word, was crappy. From the confusion from the break up, to all the stress that's caused by my new job (can't even browse the web during office hours because of all the tasks needed to be done), and lastly having to go through a heartbreak three times over the course of the last five days.

The heartbreak came not in ending a relationship. The heartbreak is because we had to end a wonderful friendship. This was a mutual understanding because things got so complicated between the two of us. Until this, I never knew how difficult going through a real heartbreak is. Specially when you both decide to end it, not because you hate each other, but because you both love each other so much you need to give way for the other to be happy.

Losing a great friend is always harder than having to go through a break up. It may be only a temporary thing, but when that person occupied a huge part of your heart, it's devastating. But from the start, when we started the relationship, we agreed we will do what is right. And if letting go is what will make that person happy, then I will give way.

I'm an eternal optimist, and I'm sure in time, I will be fine. But these days, I feel that all my tomorrows will be gray.

If there ever was a thing that I regret about the whole thing last night, it's that I wasn't able to properly say goodbye. I didn't want to cry again, that's what I've been doing since Wednesday. I hope my friend will be reading this, because this is the best way for me to say goodbye.

Every moment I spent with you, no matter how light or how heavy our conversations were, no matter how drama, emo, cheesy or crazy they all were, every one of those I'll keep in my heart. You make me happy and I will never ever forget you. I will miss all the long talks, all the kwento, corny jokes and the games we play over the phone.

Although we decided to part ways for the meantime, I will always be your friend. I will be here whenever you need someone to talk to. I look forward to the day when everything will be clear and we can go back to the way we used to be. No complications, only genuine friendship.

I wish you nothing but happiness. With or without me, I hope life will be good. I want you to enjoy your life. And I look forward to the day when you find out what you want in your life, even if that does not include me. Don't think of how people will see you, just do what makes you happy. And may you find the person that will complete you.

Just remember, I will always love you. Don't worry too much about me, like I promised I will be okay. It may take some time, but I'll get there. We will get there.

Thank you that even for a short time, you shared your life with me.

I look forward until the time we meet again.

Goodbye.

NOT SOURGRAPING

This may sound abit like sourgraping, but it's not. But Engel wants to write something light again. Backreading this blog this past few days he's realized he's been writing heavy stuff. He needs to lighten up a bit. Bring back his old self. He doesn't want to be too depressing. People get that from school, work, news and he doesn't want bloghopping to be sad too.

So this post will be about the reason why Engel decided why it is better to have stayed single.

You see, Engel for most of the day is an optimist. He won't deny once PMS hits him, he'd sometimes think it's nice to be with a partner. But that doesn't mean he does not appreciate the alone time. He does. Remember, he broke up with his ex because he preferred to be alone. It's got it's perks too.

He wrote about this once. It may be redundant, but sometimes people need to reinforce the things in their lives that make them happy.

FREEDOM
This is the first thing you lose once you decide to get hitched. You don't need to ask permission to go out with a friend. No need to tell someone what you're doing all the time. "I'm about to sleep. Eat. Go to work. I'm in the bus. I'm in the cab. Still in the cab. I'm about to start working. I'm going to pee. Take a crap. Whatever."

BUDGET
Not that Engel's stingy, because he's not. One time he spent alot of money to make the boy he likes happy (not in a sugar daddy kind of way, really). But it's nice to have your money for yourself. Not that the dates were expensive, they only ate out at Jollibee every breakfast. Dates are nice, and picking out gifts for the partner is even nicer, but sometimes it's also great to have money so you could buy that nice pair of shoes you've been drooling over for the last few months.

It's been two hours and Engel can't think of anything more. He knows there's more. And there probably is. But he decided he'll just do a part two some other time.

***********
On a different note, Engel's been stressing out the past two days (because of an entirely different reason which now is not the right time to be telling). The problem is, he can't find a person to tell it to. And it's giving him a huge migraine. He was good at separating his work and personal problems, but yesterday was the breaking point.

He's been making decisions by himself and maybe that's why he's making mistakes. He finds it difficult not having someone to talk to who understands.

So for what it's worth, Engel wants to take this time to thank Ternie for listening yesterday and giving sound advise. Appreciate it. A lot.

PONDERING

Maybe he's been unfair. Maybe he was a jerk. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe he doesn't deserve to be loved. But as of right now, Engel isn't ready for a relationship. He's not Mr. Right. Just Mr. Right Now.

Funny indeed that just a few months ago he was all ready to be in a relationship, but when the commitment came, things changed. He longed for solitude. He felt pressured. He felt something wasn't right.

Yeah, quitting may be the harshest thing to do, he could always try to reciprocate the love. And he would, but the thing is, Engel realized that at that moment, at this time, he's still not ready to give up the freedom that being single gives.

You can always say you're ready, but it's really different when you're there. Maybe that's what happens when you just jump into something you're not sure of. When you don't think. You think you're ready, but you realize you're not. It was fun. But then you realize that it's not enough. You realize that love's not all it's hyped up to be. That it takes alot of work, and you need to be fully committed. And questions begin to rise. Do you really love him? Are you giving enough? Are you really able to commit fully? Will you make your partner happy?

All he knows is, it didn't feel right. The decision to give up is not easy. It's never easy. You're the one who'll break a heart. People will think you're the bad guy. The reasons wouldn't be easy to understand, and there is a chance you'll end up regretting your decision.

But to be honest, Engel thinks that it is the right thing to do.

So yeah, he's single again. And it may be awhile before he commits again. If there would even be someone who'd think he's deserving to be loved.

COOL OFF

It's never an easy thing.

Writing about it is much harder.

After four weeks, I broke it off. More like I requested for a cooling period.

Most of you'd be curious as to I why changed my mind when I was really in love with him in previous posts. That feeling was actually genuine. It was real. It was true.

I never doubted for a second how much he loved me. He makes sure that I know that everyday. When we're together, even if we're not. And I loved him for that. I was happy.

Sadly, the memories of the old me came lingering. It wanted to have some time alone. To be free. It felt contained. Pressured. And I realized that I am unable to give back everything he gives.

It would be unfair for him if I continue with this. I thought it would be better to break his heart while he still loves me, rather than end it because he's already sick of my inability to love him back. I love him, and I thought that was the best thing to do. I don't want to hurt him, but I feel that if I go on with it, I'll be hurting him even more. He probably hates me now.

I'm probably going regret this one of these days, but I think for now, this would be the best thing to do. I don't think I'll be in a relationship for a little while after this. I think the problem is me. I need to figure what I want much better before I enter into this again.

Cooling off. Breaking up. It's never an easy thing. Someone's bound to have a broken heart.